Here’s the thing about pretending to be a functional adult: eventually,
it catches up to you. Like how back in
the 9th grade, I was really good friends with this girl Anaheim, and
I used to say “Oh my gosh” pretty frequently, and Anaheim started saying it too
to make fun of me, but she said it so many times that she stopped saying it
mockingly and was just saying it seriously.
See also everything hipsters
have done, ever. (Low hanging fruit,
people: one must grab it before a bird eats it.)
So… that kind of happened to me. Like one fine day I was just writing a blog
about how I was occasionally trying to be a real grownup, not quite
sarcastically, but more as a joke, like if you handed your toddler a briefcase
and put a fedora on him, how that would be pretty funny? Especially if you really had a toddler and
perhaps would be a little low on regular adult conversation? That was me, being an adult. Really just a toddler with a briefcase.
Except somehow… I actually use a briefcase now. Okay, it’s a big purse that husband gave me
for Christmas and it smells AMAZING like the most succulent of cowskins, but I
still put a laptop in it and pads of paper with notes on it and business cards
and pens that say Marriott on them.
Yeah. I have a Real
Job. It happened awhile ago. Maybe you noticed the steady decline of words
in this blog.
Here are the gains and losses I have experienced thus far of
said Real Job:
Gains:
·
Income
·
An office
·
Business cards with my name on it
·
A big computer monitor, though I had to buy it
myself *eye roll*
·
A coffee
habit
·
An online shopping habit
·
A fear of my blog being read by my coworkers
Losses:
·
Time
·
My immune system
·
Invitations to hang out with my name on them
·
Eyesight quality
·
Sleep
·
Time to wear all the shoes I keep ordering
·
Time to write my blog
So on net…. Something?
Something? Mostly I have lost all
conversational topics that are not, Hey, My Work is Boring In This Particular
Direction Today, Man Amiright. Which is
okay when talking to my coworkers, who definitely get it, but less so when talking to civilians who
just stare at me and wonder aloud why I am holding my eyes open so wide.
So the new task is to find a way to make it all more
interesting. So far, the only thing I
have come up with is extreme gossiping, but it’s working really poorly given
that all of my coworkers are just nice normal people who are neither romancing
each other nor carrying Deep Terrible Secrets.
They all just go to work, and then afterwards sort of hang out and watch
TV in the evenings. Which gives me
nothing, because if I wanted to gossip about THAT I could very well TALK ABOUT
MYSELF.
So I’m open to suggestions here. How do I undo the fact that I may have
accidentally become some sort of adult?
