Thursday, December 10, 2015

Bae, it's cold outside

Below: In honor of the festivities of the season, revised lyrics to a classic song* for a modern age.  His lines are in bold, hers are in red.

(I really can't stay) But, baby, it's cold outside
(I've got to go away) But, baby, it's cold outside
(I love hanging out) So glad that you came around
(Just you and me) Just sit back down, there's no hurry

(Supposed to meet my friends at the bar) You know that's just way too far
(My buddy's already texted me twice) Your hands are feeling just like ice
(So maybe I'll just call a car) Why don't you just stay right where you are
(Well maybe just one more on ice) You pick something on Spotify

(Our friends will all think)  Baby, it's bad out there
(You can sure mix a drink)  No Ubers around out there
(We've always just been...) How handy that you dropped in
(...The best of friends)   If your boys get mad you'll make amends

(My roommate's gonna roll his eyes)  Let me just turn down the lights
(I promised him this wasn't a date)  Who cares if you're a little late
(I really can't stay)  Baby don't hold out
[Both] Baby, it's cold outside

(Maybe I should go) Baby it's cold outside
(So why can't I just goBaby it's cold outside
(It suddenly seems....)   This night's been just like a dream
(....So meant to be)  What if you got a little closer to me?

(My sister's already suspicious) Gosh, your lips look delicious...
(My mom will just ask about you MORE)  Like I'm loose in the candy store
(I guess this night's just auspicious)  Boy, your lips are delicious
(Well maybe just a playlist more)  Never seen such a downpour before

(I've got to get home)  But baby you'd freeze out there
(Can I charge my phone?)  You just can't even out there
(Don't quite understand...)  I die when you hold my hand
(...This thing I feelWhy don't you stay awhile and see?

(They'll all be group texting by now) Wouldn't you rather be here right now?
(At least they will be soon enough)  You know this call just isn't that tough
(Should I not stay?)  Just quit with the holdout
[Both] Baby, it's cold
[Both] Baby, it's cold outside

Hey bae, do you still have your Netflix account?

*The above qualifies as parody and is therefore permissible fair use under the Copyright Act.  See Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc., 510 U.S. 569 (1994).  YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I KNOW WHAT'S UP.

Friday, February 20, 2015


I have a pregnancy book that tells me things I should know about being pregnant and also shows me helpful/terrifying illustrations of naked women with translucent skin, who should really get some clothes because you can totally see all of their lungs and kidneys and stuff.

This helpful book was, I believe, written by medical professionals. One of the pieces of information offered in this book is that there is no existing medical support for the phenomenon commonly referred to as "baby brain." "Baby brain" is traditionally described as a woman having difficulty with memory, concentration, reasoning, and other mental tasks during pregnancy. This is (at least apocryphally) attributed to the hormonal cocktail sloshing around in the pregnant woman's brain like so many vodka martinis, with similar results.

I sincerely hope that my pregnancy book is relying on outdated research or an otherwise incomplete survey of the medical literature.*  If not, then I have a serious problem because my brain function has just taken an unexpected nosedive for some reason unrelated to gestating another human being in my body. As an example, here are some of the things I did on one single workday this week:
  • Wrote a really heartfelt note in a Facebook message to the wrong person because they had similar names (not even the same name, just first names that started with some of the same letters).
  • Forgot what year it was
  • Forgot what month it was
  • Sent a calendar invite with an incorrect dial-in number. Then corrected it, but the correction was wrong. Got it right on the third try, but then when I actually tried to dial in, dialed in incorrectly 4 times such that I was two minutes late on the call because I couldn't get the number right on time. Note: the dial-in number that I was struggling with was not some random, arbitrary passcode or unfamiliar number.  It was MY OWN PHONE NUMBER.  The one I tell people to call me on.
  • Referred to a case involving a party named "Sickles" as the following: "that Shingles case," "the Spangles case," and "that case with Smacker in it." This was five minutes after looking at the case name printed on a piece of paper.
  • Got confused as to why it was so dark in my office during the daytime before realizing,15 minutes later, that the blinds were down.
If this isn't baby brain, then Houston, we have a... um... issue?

*So I just googled "baby brain," only to find the Mayo Clinic telling me it doesn't exist, and the website saying it does exist is... the Daily Mail.  This does not make me feel great.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Working Titles for my Pregnant Autobiography

Please imagine each of these with a colon after it saying “The True Story of the Life of a Pregnant Lawyer”.

Lint-Rolling My Belly

Can Yoga Pants Count as Work Clothes? They Are Black Pants, After All

If Someone Doesn’t Refill the Candy Jar in the Break Room, I Will Scream

Don’t You Dare Tell Me the Bathroom is Out of Order Temporarily

I’m Never Wearing These Heels Again

Ordering Cheezits Delivered to My Desk

Your Brief is So Bad, It Literally Made Me Throw Up, or Maybe It Was Morning Sickness, But Probably Your Brief

You Really Ordered Sushi for Our All-Office Lunch?

If I Can’t Drink Coffee, Don’t Expect This Memo to Be Good

Can’t Quite Reach My Keyboard